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Marriage Mondays: 10 Tips to Have that Wedding Day Love Last a Lifetime

Welcome to Marriage Mondays, the Mocha Manual’s new column featuring tips from Alisha Walker, co-author of “I Love Being Married: A Guide to Divorceproof Your Marriage.” Here are ten tips to keep the wedding day bliss going for many years after the magical day, courtesy of Alisha:

1. Respect one another. We have so many people who come in to see us and their primary complaint when it is all boiled down is that they feel disrespected in some way or another by what their spouse has said or done. Find out what your partner sees as disrespectful and work on making sure you don’t do that.

2. Communicate. We call it over communication, especially in the early years when you are still trying to get into the groove of a steady marriage. We call it over communication because you need to talk about everything — even the minor details — so that there is no room for misunderstandings. You especially need to communicate about what your expectations are for one another.  For example: Women, do you expect the man to be responsible for doing all of the yard work? Men:  Do you expect that your wife will be the primary caretaker of your children? Many of the expectations we place on one another come from that unspoken place of your childhood based on what you did or did not see and can cause a major issue if they are not spoken.

3. Love unselfishly. You know that wedding day love or the love you have right now before the reality of life hits. This is that I-will-do-anything-for-you love. This is the kind of love that loves even when the other is unlovable. Unselfish love looks like giving up your favorite show and watching a basketball game with your husband (without complaining). Unselfish love looks like going with your soon-to-be wife to look at the bridesmaid dresses so that she can feel like you are a part of the process even though you could care less about what the women wear in the wedding.

4. Work to become one in thought word and deed. Being married is a team sport, and you have to be playing for the same team, working for the same goals, which should be for the betterment of your family.

5. Positively resolve conflict. One of the biggest differences in having a successful marriage and one that fails is finding a way to work on your conflicts in a positive way. Conflict can turn ugly and cause continued turmoil if not handled effectively. We call this Rules of Engagement, which are the rules you put in place to handle your conflict.

6. Maintain your friendship. Fellas, I always tell people that my wife is my best friend. She is the one who knows the most about me and has my back. She is my ride or die chick. Ladies, the same should go for you. My husband is my best friend and he is the one that I can’t wait to tell my good news or even the bad. He is also the one that I go to when I have an issue even with him, which leads me to my next point.

7. Keep others out of your relationship. How can you become one when you have your girlfriends, your boys and even your momma in the middle of your relationship? One exception to this tip is that we do believe everyone needs some wise counsel. You should choose at least one person of the same sex who has similar values and ideals to be your accountability partner to help keep you in check. This person should be someone who is always willing to tell you the truth whether you’re right or wrong. In most instances, we would advise that this person is NOT your mother unless she is truly able to keep herself from taking sides.

8. Nourish and cherish one another. Take care of one another. Understand and       appreciate  your mate. Find out what their love language is according to the Five Love Languages of Dr. Gary Chapman and then learn to speak their love language. The five love languages are 1. Words of Affirmation 2. Acts of Service 3. Gifts 4. Quality Time 5. Physical Touch. These are the things that make your partner feel loved and appreciated. These are also the things that if they are not done can make your partner feel deprived. For example, my love language is quality time and my husband’s is physical touch. This means I feel loved, appreciated and in complete connection with my husband when we spend time together with no interruptions from kids or distractions from phones or other gadgets. For my husband this means that he feels loved, appreciated and completely connected when I physically touch him in any way. We have found that one of the core issues couples have is they don’t know how to take care of one another. They don’t know how to nourish and cherish their partner.

9. Communicate with one another intimately on a regular basis. There was a study that came out recently that says that physical touch is even more important in the communication between partners than verbal or nonverbal communication.

10. Create shared values. Create your own values for your home together not just what you developed growing up as a child or those things that you are trying to do the opposite of what you didn’t see done as a child. Fellas, many of us grew up without a father in the home so we try to overcompensate when it is our turn to be a father based on what we didn’t get as a child. Create shared values from a space of what you do want not from a space of what you don’t.

*Extra Tip – As our pastor would say we are going to throw this one in for free. Be willing. Be willing to…forgive, take chances, be flexible to the ebb and flow of life and the changes that it can bring, and love hard.

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