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Playing the Control Game? Our Kids Are the Biggest Losers 
Black families break up for all sorts of reasons. Sometimes it’s the man. Sometimes, it’s the woman. But most of the time, it’s both. Mothers and fathers play a destructive control game and our kids end up bearing the brunt of the damage. It’s time black women take responsibility for their role in the decay of our families.


My name is Greg Morris. I am a son of a missing father, the missing father of Jadon, Nathan & Nia, an ex husband, a baby father and a step-dad in waiting.  So you can see I’ve got more than one story to tell and more than one perspective to share. Despite the fights, my frequent court appearances, the months my ex-wife never showed up with the kids for my visitation, the injunctions, tears, spent money and pain, I remain steadfast in my resolve to be more than a father, but a fully involved parent. So I’d like to start by saying that I will keep this column real – even if I end up looking like crap, I will go there. 

Right now “there” is brutal honesty about what breaks up many black families starting with what broke up the family I grew up in. The story belonging to my mother was that my father cheated on her with a red haired white woman. My father has a story too but he didn’t stick around long enough for me to find out what it was. 

Looking back, I can understand why my mom kicked my dad out. I remember I would beg her to open the door to him as he banged on the door asking her to let him in after she bolted the door. I can also understand why she wouldn’t want him back inthe house. What I don’t understand however is how this reason could be good enough that from the age of 4 I would never see my Dad, Rawston Morris, again.

There had to be more to it. Years later, after my own failed marriage and having fathered children in and out of wedlock, I’m clear that men and women are still playing the same game my parents played. It’s a game I call M.A.D (MutuallyAssured Destruction) What’s most interesting is that as I speak to other splitfamilies the more M.A.D players I meet.  

There are two rules to the game:

1 – Dominate the other while avoiding domination

2 – Hate the other’s flaws while pretending tobe flawless

Just like a game, you need both parents to play and hence BOTH are part of the problem. But it seems that it’s just the accepted belief that it’s us black men that are the sole instigators and root cause and reason for family break-up.  It is high time black women take responsibility for their part in the destruction of the black family. And it is time black women be 


held accountable for what the black family is dealing with. That’s right, I said it.

Please hear me out. Before reading on, take a quick look. When you drop off your childlate after a visit, what is the real real reason? I’ve done it. I’ll bring her home late because I KNOW Nia’s mom will be worrying about her. It’s my opportunity to dominate my daughters mom.

Ladies, when you don’t let your kids visit their Dad or make unreasonable demands and stipulations that have nothing to do with the health and safety of your precious little one, why are you doing that? It is to control him. To make him do things your way. The completely made-up things I’ve had to do so
I can see my children on a regular basis is fodder for TV movie.

In the end, our children pay the ultimate price for our silly control games. Girls grow up missing a father’s unconditional love and grow up getting into relationships at a disadvantagebecause they are ill prepared to deal with men. At the same time fatherless boys grow up with just their own maternal relationship as a guide to what’s expected from them in a matrimonial relationship, knowing little to nothing about leadership or how to show patience and understanding. Instead they use trial and error to figure out how to be a man and how to be a father.

What we have, ladies and gentlemen, is a generation of ill-equipped women and maladjusted men who have learned the art of M.A.D from their parents then have children of their own, only to repeat the cycle over and over again.  

Parents for the sake of our race, we must come together. Now is our chance to build a strong future for our children and our grandchildren. But how? How do we move beyond playing a destructive game and into creating greater children? How do we let go of our pasts and create working relationships with ex-es, currents, and futures?

I don’t know all the answers. But I sure as hell plan to find out. Join me on my journey.

Let me know your thoughts and keep checking back for my next installment.

GregMorris is the marketing director for MochaManual.com and an IT guy at heart. Hebuilds databases, manages websites and helps business owners make the most oftheir websites. Email him at greg@niait.co.uk. 

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