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Dear Judge Smith…

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Please Let Me See My Sons
Three weeks ago, I traveled 3,430 miles, so that after months of waiting, I could sit two feet away from my ex-wife and try to convince a judge to let me see my two sons. The last time I saw my son, his words, "I don’t want to see you anymore," cut me like a knife. But here I was back again. Still fighting.  


      

 
 
Three weeks ago, I traveled 3,430 from Long Island New York to Harlesden North West London so that after months of waiting I can sit two feet away from my ex-wife, avoiding eye contact and convince this judge that I love, care for and miss Jadon and Nathan, I only want the best for them and should be allowed to see them.
The scheduled time for my hearing was 10.30 AM but for reasons unexplained we had to wait 3 long hours before being seen. So as I sat there and witnessed the misery of people around me going in and out of courts, whispering in hushed tones to their counsels and the odd insult slinging I kept thinking why the hell am i putting myself through this?
The last time I spoke to my son I showed up at his weekly bible study class because his mother wouldn’t pick up the phone whenever I called. This went on for months. The meeting had finished and most members had left. I saw Jadon outside the building and walked over to him. As soon as he saw me he ran inside. When I caught up with him I asked why he ran. About 20 people circled us. He said "because I don’t want to see you anymore. The words cut like a knife. "But  why?" I asked. "Didn’t we have a good time we saw each other last?" He said "yes" still staring at his shoes. "So why don’t you want to see me?" "I just don’t want to see you anymore," he repeated like a dagger to the heart again. 
So there I was on one knee, holding hands with my boy cranking my neck to look into his big eyes still transfixed to the floor and full of fear.  

Judges Gavel

I told him it was ok, and I was glad he told me how he felt but it’s not totally up to him and that I will speak with his mom so when he does want to see me he can. I wanted to hug him and his brother but I was trying so hard not to burst into tears in front of these people around us that i left.
Now here I am 14 months later with those memories and emotions still raw and present. I have to focus on the situation at hand. All I have to do is act right, and ignore the self destructive voice in my head asking "Is this really a good idea?" "He turns 10 in March, isn’t this all too late now" "What if Jadon REALLY does not want to see you, do you really want to deal with that?" and make my case.
I have taken the steps required to see my children. I have stopped focusing on what I deserve or what is wrong with the system or who’s at fault. I am continuing the fight to see my children because they need this. They need to know that their father cares for them and loves them so much that he has never given up on them. To be honest, my pride says forget this, and get on with your life but my love for my two young men will never allow me to do that.
 


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