Taming Tantrums
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Old School vs. New School Parenting Did Mama know best? I don’t ever remember falling out on a supermarket floor. Either I never did, or the “something to cry for” I got afterward permanently erased it from my memory. Either way it worked. Now as a twenty-first century parent, it’s all about time-outs and explaining consequences. Will it work? Check out these expert tips for taming tantrums, with a little bit of mama’s wisdom thrown in, to create your own parenting plan.
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| Taming Tantrums Old School vs. New School Parenting by Kimberly Seals Allers |
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Did Mama know best? I don’t ever remember falling out on a supermarket floor. Either I never did, or the “something to cry for” I got afterward permanently erased it from my memory. Either way it worked. Now as a twenty-first century parent, it’s all about time-outs and explaining consequences. Will it work? Check out these expert tips for taming tantrums, with a little bit of mama’s wisdom thrown in, to create your own parenting plan.
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| Were we even allowed to have tantrums as a kid? Puh-leeze. If your old-school mom was anything like my old-school mom, as soon as she gave me the “look,” (yeah, you know the one) I would straighten up with a quickness. Falling out on the supermarket floor was not even an option. But what are we to do as twenty-first century parents, not trying to run our households on the same fear factor (i.e. belt factor) that marked our childhoods.
As
a new generation parent who thinks some of the old-school ideologies need to stick around, finding that balance between the two is your job as the parent. You’ve have a good chance to test your mettle when your beloved little one starts testing his limits and expressing himself. Let’s face it, during the kicking-and-screaming chaos of the moment, tantrums can be downright frustrating. But new school experts say that instead of looking at them as catastrophes, treat tantrums as “opportunities for education.”
O.K., but whose education? Well, you first.
Why Do Kids Have Tantrums?
Kids’ temperaments vary dramatically — so some kids may experience regular tantrums, whereas others have them rarely. They’re a normal part of development and don’t have to be seen as something negative. Unlike adults, kids don’t have the same inhibitions or control. Toddlers are trying to master their world and when they aren’t able to accomplish a task, they turn to one of the only tools at their disposal for venting frustration — a tantrum.
Several basic causes of tantrums are pretty basic:
The child is seeking attention or is tired, hungry, or uncomfortable. In addition, tantrums are often the result of kids’ frustration with the world — they can’t get something (for example, an object or a parent) to do what they want. Frustration is an unavoidable part of their lives as they learn how people, objects, and their own bodies work.
Tantrums
are common during the second year of life, a time when children are acquiring language. Toddlers generally understand more than they can express. Imagine not being able to communicate your needs to someone — a frustrating experience that may precipitate a tantrum. As language skills improve, tantrums tend to decrease.
Toddlers
are also faced with is an increasing need for autonomy. They want a sense of independence and control over the environment — more than they may be capable of handling. This creates the perfect condition for power struggles as a child thinks "I can do it myself" or "I want it, give it to me." When kids discover that they can’t do it and can’t have everything they want, the stage is set (once again) for a tantrum.
Avoiding Tantrums Altogether
The best way to deal with temper tantrums is to avoid them in the first place, whenever possible. Here are some expert strategies that may help:
If a safety issue is involved and a toddler repeats the forbidden behavior after being told to stop, use a time-out or hold the child firmly for several minutes. Be consistent. Kids must understand that you are inflexible on safety issues.
Tantrum Tactics
The most important thing to keep in mind when you’re faced with a child in the throes of a tantrum, no matter what the cause, is simple and crucial: Keep your cool.
Don’t
complicate the problem with your own frustration. This is not the time to start shouting and threatening the child. Kids can sense when parents are becoming frustrated. This can just make their frustration worse, and you may have a more exaggerated tantrum on your hands. Instead, take deep breaths, call on the Lord if you have to, and try to think clearly.
First,
try to understand what’s going on. Tantrums should be handled differently depending on the cause. Try to understand where your child is coming from. For example, if your little one has just had a great disappointment, you may need to provide comfort.
It’s
a different situation when the tantrum stems from a child’s being refused something. Toddlers have fairly basic reasoning skills, so you aren’t likely to get far with in-depth explanations. Ignoring the outburst is one way to handle it — if the tantrum poses no threat to your child or others. Continue your activities, paying no attention to your child but remaining within sight. This is my favorite move. When your child sees her tantrum has no power over you to either frustrate you or give in to her desires, she will soon get the point that this tantrum thing is a waste of time. The new school experts advise to not leave your little one alone, though, otherwise he or she may feel abandoned on top of all of the other uncontrollable emotions.
Kids
who are in danger of hurting themselves or others during a tantrum should be taken to a quiet, safe place to calm down. This also applies to tantrums in public places the experts say. Again, I have no recollection of such. But I do know, nobody wants to be that parent wrestling their child in the produce aisle.
After the Storm
If your child is having a hard time stopping a tantrum, it might help to say to say, "I’ll help you settle down now."
But
do not reward your child after a tantrum by giving in. This will only prove to your little one that the tantrum was effective. Instead, verbally praise a child for regaining control.
Also,
kids may be especially vulnerable after a tantrum when they know they’ve been less than adorable. Now is the time for a hug and reassurance that your child is loved, no matter what.
When to Call the Doctor
You should consult your doctor if: * You have questions about what you’re doing or what your child is doing. * You’re uncomfortable with your responses. * You keep giving in. * The tantrums arouse a lot of bad feelings. * The tantrums increase in frequency, intensity, or duration. * Your child frequently hurts himself or herself or others. * Your child is destructive. * Your child displays mood disorders such as negativity, low self-esteem, or extreme dependence. Your |
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