That leaves me just shaking my head at it all. It is funny how, whenever Black history is discussed whether it be in February or not, the topic of slavery becomes the first idea that pops into a person’s head. We do have a rich history and although slavery is the essence of what made so many Black historical figures great, it isn’t the only beginnings that so many of them had. I only have to wonder how the school teachers would respond if it were suggested to talk about the Black kings and queens of the past. They would probably look at you like you were telling a creative story or just plain crazy.

We homeschool, so we discuss black history as well as the history of other ethnicities during February and even long after the month has past. My February to do list is a little different from yours. I’m just glad that you’re available and knowledgeable enough to be there to make the corrections for your child.

He left for college after 18 mths of dating (i was 18, he was 27) and while away i got with lots of other persons, i broke off with them when he returned but never told him, too much shame and too much to tell.

But our relationship continued under the pretense after admitting about one person he was suspicious of, i got pregnant shortly before admitting to him and 2 1/2 years after telling him he was still not over it, the questions and name calling and out right disrespect continued until one day he just said he had enough and wanted to move into another phase – marriage. How shock i was but a kinda happy to think that he would still make me his wife, i questioned it for a while and made attempts to call off the wedding after it seemed he did not want to get into helping me, wasn’t interested in pre-marital counselling and still reminded me of what i had done to him. I pushed ahead after he made attempts to explain his actions and in a way i wanted to believe it becasue I too wanted a happy home for my child, i believe i was more greatful that he stayed with me and made me his wife. In the end i realize that i was more in love with the idea of getting married than i was with him.

The relationship needed time to heal and for us to get to a place of acceptance and forgiveness but it never did, as soon as we were in the matrimonial home, we were arguing about the other person who i was with. No bliss, no passion nothing jsut continuous arguments and i would say things that hurt, like i don’t want to be in this and i don’t have to stay marry etc. It seems i was now acting out what i felt before marrying to him, the more arguments we have the more insults he hurled at me and the more i hurled at him, resenments build and then i just shut down. i did not want to talk to him anymore, did not wan tto get intimate with him etc.
I did him and myself a big disservice, i never had th big O with him or anyone else but they could not know this because i would act as if i was, i was just so insecure in myself i thought i needed to pretend about something so special.

Now lots of years after i have found mysefl dealing with infidelity, it seems i got tired of seeking his aproval and love that i gravitated to others, exs and someone new and got too close to them. I had to admit it to him and in the end all the others from before we got married, the truth about not experiencing Orgasm and how i was not in love with him before we got married.

With kids in the picture now i do not know where we go from here, i don’t want to continue in a relationship where i will hear everyday how sluttish i was and i do not think i have it in me to love him the way he should be loved.

I need to stop now, i need a marriage counsellor