People always ask me to write more about the stuff I love and things I use. But I've always seen myself as an "issues" kind of girl. But then I said, hey, it's 2010 and I'm breaking out of all my boxes! So here goes:

But I need to start with a confession: I am not a make-up person. Eyeliner, mascara and my favorite MAC lip glass is pretty much all you will get out of me most days. But the more I keep driling into my head that "I am my brand" and that I have to always represent the brand, I try to always step out of my house properly representing my Mocha Manual brand. Morning bus stop runs not included.

Enter my homegirl, Andrea Fairweather. I first met Andrea while scouring the country for subjects for my second book, The Mocha Manual to Turning Your Passion into Profit. A mutual friend said she was a perfect fit. And she was. In the book, Andrea talks about her love of nail polish and art and how she was the go-to person in high school if you wanted your boyfriend's name perfectly painted onto your fingernails and how she earned money through college doing hair and make up on campus, but never thought her love could be her life. 

Today she has a hot roster of celebrity clientele (you'll have to read the book for more on her journey) for her make up services and her experience includes working for Disney for High School Musical and the Cheetah Girls to the set of Law & Order to her client Jacque Reid (shout out to Jacque!! Jacque held it down on this season's Let's Talk About Pep).

Andrea's nationwide traveling company, Fairweather Faces, brings make-up, hair, nails and massage by licensed technicians directly to YOU, wherever you are.

And her new line of must-have, travel-size professional make up brushes debuted on the Rachel Ray show–you go girl!!  

So when I have a make-up dilemma–which is pretty much all the time, I go to Andrea. And the one thing she told me is that make-up is all about the brushes. Getting that even application, having the right tool for the right technique makes it so much easier, especially for sisters like me!! 

 When I do actually use make up, fer real fer real, I'm typically traveling to a speaking engagement, book signing or potential client meeting and need to land ready to go!  Or get face ready quickly in an airport bathroom. The four brushes in the set cover everything.

There's also a 3-brush mini-set. The color coded system on the 3 mini brushes (love the rhinestone BLING!) and her face charts are so amazing to help you know where to put what, and come free with any brush set purchase. The mini-set with face chart is also a great starter set for teens!

The other thing I love about the travel and mini brushes is that they are definitely clutch size. As a sister who's been trying to go out more and get her groove back lately (email me privately for the juicy details. the blog is being watched) I love that I don't have to compromise quality for a brush that fits into even the cutest of my night-on-the-town bags.

This small size also comes in handy on the rest of my weekend when my mommy bag is full of Thomas Trains, Kayla's books and spare clothes.

To make me even happier, Andrea is giving a $5 discount on the make up Pro Set to all the Mocha Manual mamas from now until Monday. Just use Discount Code MM310 at checkout. Hurry!!

 Even as moms, we need our fabulousness.  And a little help!

My daughter is wonderful. But the closer she gets to her upcoming 10^th birthday, the more I’ve been noticing a little bit of attitude slipping out of her mouth every now and then. In fact, there have been a few “Oh know you didn’t” moments when I had to catch myself from losing it.  I thought if I gave that look or said those words to my mother, I’d be putting an ice pack somewhere right about now.

But of course, as a very modern mom, I’m always looking for new ways to communicate and connect with my daughter, even when my old school reflexes kick in. That’s why I was so interested in a new book by Dr. Charles Sophy that proposes a revolutionary plan to break the cycle of fighting and negative communication between mothers and daughters.

I guess the shrink industry will have to find another cash cow if mothers and daughters resolve all their issues.

Sophy says the problem starts with stuff like too much emotionality, too much estrogen, unspoken competition, and the non-verbal communication like eye rolling that really kills it between mom and daughter.  

The book is called Side by Side, The Revolutionary Mother-Daughter Program for Conflict-Free Communication (HarperOne). Dr. Sophy, a well-known clinical psychiatrist who has treated all sorts of young people from young Hollywood celebrities to foster children in the Los Angeles County child welfare system, has seen a lot of family dynamics—mostly broken ones, and has some pretty cool insights on fixing what’s not working between mothers and daughters.

So I called Dr. Sophy and interviewed him about this so-called "revolutionary" approach. And he some pretty keen insights on Black moms too, having worked with a lot of African Americans over the years.

What I love most about Dr. Sophy’s approach is that it is totally mom-driven, and gives power back to the parents to resolve even the most heated argument about outfits, boys, curfews, hairstyles or body piercing. The approach is called Side by Side (not be confused with the good ole’ UPside the head method), a technique he explains in his new book.

And while most moms are thinking, “What’s wrong with my daughter?”, Sophy says the problem-solving begins squarely with moms and doing, what he calls, “up-front work.” 

 “Parenting begins with you,” Sophy said to me in our recent interview. “You have to be a solid mom to raise a solid child. Moms, you have to unhook yourself first,” he says. To help, Sophy outlines a balancing tool called S.W.E.E.P. that looks at five key areas of your life as a mom.  Sleep. Work. Eating. Emotional Expression of Self. Play.  Sophy says a balanced S.W.E.E.P. makes the difference between an emotionally and physically stable mom and a walking disaster.

And buckle up!, the up-front work also includes delving into your own relationship with your mother and looking for regrets, disappointments and any unmet needs that are probably negatively playing out in your interactions with your daughter. Oh. Yes. He. Did.  

We even talked about how black women have notoriously "raised their daughters and loved their sons," and that we are often tough on our girls because we know what their plight may be. We know the state of the world. The state of the career scene. The state of our black men. So we have to make sure they are strong, confident, hard-working and prepared. After all, isn't that our job? Wouldn't it be irresponsible parenting if we did anything less?

Dr. Sophy said Black moms have to learn to communicate and impart those important lessons without dumping all of our "issues" in the space. If we don't, we're just creating undue pressure and resentment in our girls that could be more damaging than helpful.

After he gets moms on the right footing,  Sophy introduces a tool he calls The Chair Strategy, an easy to use approach to communication that reduces the emotions of any argument and allows moms to guide any conversation to a place of love and respect. Oh sure, until you get the rolling eyes and the screeching, “You’re ruining my life!” followed by a stomp-away and door slam!!

Sophy says mothers and daughters are usually operating in one of three chair-like positions:

Back-to-Back: this one ain’t good. In this position mother and daughter are at odds, with no chance of seeing eye-to-eye and making a real connection.

Face-to-Face: when mom and daughter are openly discussing an issue honestly and with respect whether they agree or not. This is ideal for working out difficulties, but because it is so intense, it is hard to keep it going for a long time.

Side-by-Side: Ahhh! Where mother and daughter are supportive of each other, looking in the same direction and sharing the same perspective. This is the ideal position for everyday communication.

And Sophy says it’s mom’s role to take charge and move those chairs around, get them in the right position. I’m still reading the book, and I’m already seeing my own boos boos. For example, the next time my baby girl comes home with three wrong on the spelling test, I’ll definitely praise the 17 correct answers first. That’s called strength-based speaking, for the uninitiated.

I’ve got plenty to learn. Please share your tips and suggestions for communicating with your daughter.

In the meantime, having a better relationship with my daughter is definitely worth reading 243 pages, so I’m all up and through this book.  

I’ll keep you posted.

Recently, I was inspired to create a list. 

A list of powerful and moving moments, defining moments, times at which we all moved forward together. Moments that define, inspire and connect all of us as black mothers. Or maybe we just shared a laugh. Either way, please add to the list, and let's keep the great moments coming…

 # 13 Our Jackie O’: Coretta Scott King

I’ll never forget the classic picture of Coretta Scott King, sitting proudly at the funeral of her husband, Dr. Martin Luther King, with young Beatrice in her lap and a regal veil on her head. On that day and throughout her life, she epitomized the maternal strength and grace of a black mother that we should all aspire to.

# 12  Black Mama Muscle

Our momprenuer maven, Cathy Hughes showed real moxie going after her dreams. Hughes became a mom at 16 and was a college drop-out, but her son Alfred was her inspiration. Later, Hughes and her husband purchased one radio station in 1979, but soon after that her marriage ended, putting Cathy on the single mother path. At one point, Cathy lost her home and she and her son had to move into the station to make ends meet. But she was determined to build her vision. Today, Radio One,   run by Cathy and her son,  owns 65 radio stations throughout every major market in the country, making the company the largest black-owned radio chain in the nation and the first woman-owned radio station to rank #1 in any major market. After dominating radio, Hughes launched TV One, a cable television channel targeted at the African American community in 2004. All I can say is, you go girl!

 #11 Sing it!

In 1973, The Intruders’ popular song, I’ll Always Love My Mama becomes a national hit and ode to mamas everywhere. It later becomes the must-have song at every Black wedding when the groom dances with his mother.

#10 Brown Girl Rocks!

1972 Josie and the Pussycats features Valerie, the first African American female cast member in a regular Saturday morning cartoon. Black moms celebrate us starting to see images of ourselves and our little girls in the mainstream.

(FYI, before the cartoon went live, the original music producers went about creating a girls rock group that would actually sing the songs and record an album. True to the comic book, they found one Black member (Patrice Holloway) to play Valerie. When the music producers presented the newly formed band to the famed Hanna-Barbera powerhouse to finalize the production deal, Hanna-Barbera said they wanted to recast Patrice Holloway, because they had decided to portray "Josie and the Pussycats" as an all-white trio and had altered Valerie, who was black in the comic book, to make her white.  The producer, Danny Janssen, refused to recast Holloway and threatened to walk away from the project. After a three-week-long stand-off between Janssen and Hanna-Barbera, Hanna-Barbera finally relented and allowed Janssen to keep Holloway, and changed Valerie back to being African-American.)

#9 Black Mom Power!

Mocha Moms Inc, was formed in 1997 by a group of moms in Prince George’s County, MD, as a national, non-profit organization that supports women of color who consider themselves at-home mothers. This represented a real shift in our typical role as out of the home workers and showed how black families were evolving, climbing economic scale and having options that weren’t available before. Today there are over 100 chapters across the country.

#8 Meaningful Media

The Kellogg Foundation funds The Black Maternal Health Project  of Women’s eNews, a series of groundbreaking articles examining the health issues and social stressors that negatively impact black women’s health and reproductive outcomes.

#7 Natural Products Just for Us…And Our Kids!

After years of developing a cult following for her hand-made, all-natural bath and body products, Lisa Price founder of Carol’s Daughter  opens her first boutique in Fort Greene, Brooklyn in 1999 chock full of shea butters and other natural ingredients for our dry skin and misunderstood hair.  In 2005, with the help of Steve Stoute and celebrity investors like Will & Jada Pinkett Smith and Mary J. Blige, Lisa Price goes national and gives black moms everywhere great natural products for our hair and for our kids. Lisa’s popular “Hair Milk” kept my son’s curly afro looking great for years!

#6 Our Sex in the City

You Gotta Have Girlfriends: If you didn’t have you own set of girls, In 2000 Girlfriends debuted on television introducing us to Joan, Toni, Lynn and Maya as a black female posse of smart, beautiful and sexy women. The show, centered around their friendship living and working in LA, gave modern day black women relatable characters, good laughs and a weekly lens on singlehood, sisterhood, motherhood and everything in between. The show becomes one of the highest rated scripted shows among black women aged 18-34 before it was cancelled (booo!!) in 2008. Still there are a thousand Facebook apps for “Which Girlfriend Are You?” and I’ll never forget the episode where “Maya” contemplates adoption and says, “let’s get down there before Brad and Angelina snatch up all the good black babies.” Too funny.

#5  Our TV Mom Model

In  1980 Clair Huxtable, played by Phylicia Rashad, shows the world that we are professional, sexy, happily married (and even adored by our husbands) and still command real mama power. Bill Cosby did his part, giving Dads the don’t-make-me-say-it-twice catchphrase that would be heard by black kids for generations to come, when he famously said to son, Theo, “I bought you in this world. And I’ll take you out!”

#4 Saving Our Babies

In 1994, the “Back to Sleep” Campaign is launched to reduce the number of Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS), a preventable death that disproportionately affects African American babies.  As a result of this campaign, SIDS deaths have been dramatically reduced.  

#3 For Mama, With Love

In  2005 Jamie Foxx, chokes back tears, remembering his grandmother Marie and her tough love—“whuppings” and all, that he credits with making him who he is today. At that moment, millions of black people thought about the moms, the Big Mamas, the Aunties and other relatives who, too,  taught them to “act like you have some sense,” gave them a “whuppping” with love and helped them become who they are today.

#2 Our Due Props

Barack Obama calls Michelle “the rock” of the family, telling the world about the role of Black mothers in our families and our communities, that we’ve known for a long time.

#1 To the White House

My number one Black Mom moment is without a doubt, Michelle Obama as First Lady and Mom-in-Chief. Who knew, that the coolest mom to ever grace the White House would be a black mom? And, one who brought her own black mom with her, by the way. Gotta love it!

What would you add to the list?