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Oh Fantasia, Baby Girl. Some Lessons Learned.


 

Please stand back. I’m about to blow.

 

I was so glad to wake up yesterday to learn that Fantasia has returned home after being in the hospital for some sort of accidental overdose, after news broke that she was caught up in a lawsuit, involved with a married man, and that there may be a sex tape to prove it.  O.M.G!  Her agent released a statement to the effect that, Fantasia thought the man, Antwaun Cook, was separated since 2009.  His wife, Mrs. Paula Cook, seems to say, not so much.

 

Deep breath.

 

Let’s just deal with the obvious stuff first: A sex tape? Really Fantasia? I’m hoping this is just conjecture and divorce settlement wrangling because I’d like to think that even Tasia is smarter than that.  Ladies, in the world of YouTube, Facebook, Twitter and other social media stuff that I don’t know anything about, anybody with anything to lose, and by anything I mean a house, car, 401K, or child should never make a sex tape unless you have been married (and I mean to the other person in the tape) for at least 10 years.  And even then, you might want to wear a mask, just in case (just tell him it’s for effect).

 

Now we all know Fantasia’s troubled past, how she survived abuse and battled illiteracy, so I think we have sympathy and a little compassion for Fantasia that she may be vulnerable, easily manipulated and looking for love in all the wrong places.

 

And I would also like to ask, how many of us, when dealing with money problems, man problems, the kids, and the job haven’t been near a breakdown point?  I know I have. And who of us hasn’t been sidetracked, thrown off your game or straight up derailed (even temporarily) by a man. I know I have.

 

But since getting divorced and stepping into single motherhood, I have a new respect for and a keen awareness of my mental state. My mental health.  

 

My mental stability is one of my most valuable assets as a single mom, and I protect it fiercely.

 

This is especially true when it comes to the men who enter my space. I enjoy male company as much as next mama trying to get her groove back, but I let them all  know that when you bring drama, emotional games or anything else that messes with my mind, you’ve got to go!

 

When you mess with my mind, you mess with my work, which means who mess with my ability to create and  provide for and take care of my kids.  And not to quote Sarah Palin, but I will get “grizzly” on you when you mess with my kids. You can ask their father.

 

The truth is, as mothers we can’t let men or our work or anything else interfere with our most important task—raising our children.  No matter how flakey you might have been, as mothers, we expect a certain level of “get your isht together-ness” that needs to automatically happen once a placenta leaves your body.  The thought that Fantasia was so selfish that she wouldn’t consider her daughter as more than enough reason to put the pills down, makes my blood boil.

 

When you are a mother you have given up the luxury of that sort of selfishness.  It’s just that simple. And the lesson learned here of what can happen to you when your “self” is incomplete is beyond anything I can write.   

 

And this whole new definition of what is married needs to stop. People confuse separated with divorced. They are not the same.  I know this because my husband had a baby’s mama when he was still legally my husband.  But “he was separated” is her constant refrain. They are not the same, boo.

 

 I mean, seriously.  Separated is still married people. And I'm not making a moral judgment, I'm just saying, beware of what your are stepping into. And brace yourself.

 And Rule # 1 about men. And your mama told you this at age 12: Some men will say anything they want to get what they want. For many men, “truth” is a moving target.   At the end of the day, we have seen too many sisters sidetracked and derailed by trifling men.

 

The tragedy of Fantasia belts out that this nonsense has got to stop.

Comments
5 Responses to “Oh Fantasia, Baby Girl. Some Lessons Learned.”
  1. Dawana says:

    totally agree with you (seperated does not mean divorce) if a negro tell me he seperated, beware because that’s a chance he just want to play the field for a while cause they going through, but 9x’s out of 10 brother going back home to wife, (make sure he single or divorced, no in between 🙂

  2. Crystal says:

    Yes, Fantasia made some serious mistakes, as most of us have a time or two. Nonetheless, we must keep in mind that many women today lack the tools necessary to make sound, informed rational decisions. we are not being taught what to do or how to behave in relationships – we are simply told to get a man to pay our bills and satisfy the bedroom needs.

    Some of us are not being instructed about what to look for in a man, nor are we being guided through the relationship maze where are children are involved. We are simply being told to get yours not matter who we step on or over to get “ours”. Our lack of love and concern for our follow sistahs has placed us in a horrible position as women…if we continue to have no respect for the wives, mothers and girlfriends these men are cheating on we have no respect for ourselves.

    Just as sure as I am sitting here typing this response the woman who tipping with that brother today will be the one cheated on tomorrow! Right now he has met a another woman and the unsuspected girlfriend at home doesn’t realize that her relationship is crumbling right beneath her.

    Let’s stop being so messy ladies when it comes to the relationships we enter into. Get off your duff and do your homework. Before you give the next brother access to your heart, car, food, money and the ‘goods’ find out a little bit about the brotha – besides what he does for a living and what kind of car he drives.

    I agree that their is a huge difference between separated and divorced…I, too have been gilted by my husband who got engaged to another woman and we were still legally married! So, until we stop acting like Black men are becoming extinct and consider all parties involved before we cross the threshold into the next encounter let us be check the brotha out…if he presents himself as an apple tree and you see pears falling from his branches run and don’t look back.

    I am sure all the warning signs were there for my girl, Fantasia but like many of us we ignored the warning signs that were flashing in her face! Wake up ladies and smell the coffee…at the end of the day is it really worth it to compromise ourselves for the sake of a suspect man?

  3. Crystal says:

    REVISED: Yes, Fantasia made some serious mistakes, as most of us have a time or two. Nonetheless, we must keep in mind that many women today lack the tools necessary to make sound, informed rational decisions. We are not being taught what to do or how to behave in relationships – we are simply told to get a man to pay our bills and satisfy the bedroom needs.

    Some of us are not being instructed about what to look for in a man, nor are we being guided through the relationship maze especially, where are children are involved. We are simply being told to get yours no matter who we step on or over to get “ours”. Our lack of love and concern for our fellow sistahs has placed us in a horrible position as women…if we continue to have no respect for the wives, mothers and girlfriends these men are cheating on, we have no respect for ourselves.

    Just as sure as I am sitting here typing this response the woman who is tipping with that brother today will be the one cheated on tomorrow! Right now he has met another woman and the unsuspected girlfriend at home doesn’t realize that her relationship is crumbling right under her feet.

    Let’s stop being so messy ladies when it comes to the relationships we enter into. Get off your duff and do your homework. Before you give the next brother access to your heart, car, food, money and the ‘goods’ find out a little bit more about the brotha – other than what he does for a living and what type of car he drives.

    I agree that their is a huge difference between separated and divorced…I, too have been gilted by my husband who got engaged to another woman and we were still legally married! So, until we stop acting like Black men are becoming extinct and consider all parties involved before we cross the threshold into the next encounter – let us check the brotha out…if he presents himself as an apple tree and you see pears falling from his branches run and don’t look back.

    I am sure all the warning signs were there for my girl, Fantasia but like many of us, we ignored the warning signs, threw caution to the wind and continued down the path to heartache! Wake up ladies and smell the coffee…at the end of the day is it really worth it to compromise ourselves (and our children) for the sake of a suspect man?

  4. Jo says:

    Been there, done that, and hindsight is 20/20. In other words, we always see clearly after the fact; after the damage is done, and after our self-esteem has been shaken to the core. For those of us who do not see clearly “after the rain is gone”, and continue to ignore all the red flags, the lesson will be repeated until it is learned. There are some things in life that we have absolutely no control over – like the weather – but for the most part, ladies (& gentlemen), we are the designers of our own misery. Life is all about choices and consequences; actions and reactions. So when you see trouble coming towards you, choose to cross the street. Peace.

  5. ZoraNelle's mommy says:

    Amen, Crystal and Jo! We must educate ourselves and each other; Share our experiences and wisdom.

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